Saturday, June 14, 2008

Single Mom vs Married Mom: Slamming The Stereotypes and Myths

Statistics form stereotypes, and stereotypes form myths. So tonight we will not discuss the researched stats, only true life experiences that defy the myths. I will post a blog with the facts and statistics to these myths in the days to come.

SINGLE MOMS: single moms had the most myths floating in cyberspace!
-Most single moms are broke, poor, and struggling.
-Single moms are the least likely women to get remarried.
-Myth: Children in single-parent families always have deficits, do poorly in school and suffer emotionally and behaviorally.
-Myth: Single-parent families are "broken homes."
-Myth: Children from single-parent families have lower self-esteem.
-Myth: Since culturally, traditional nuclear families are the norm and predominant, single parenting is an aberration and single parents are often left lonely and isolated.
-Single moms really can’t handle raising teen-agers . . .
-Children raised by single moms actually resent and hate their mothers ….
-Sons of single moms are at a terrible disadvantage because there is no man living at home to be a consistent role model. . . .
-Women are not fully qualified to give their sons the all-round upbringing that they need and once they have to face the world, they prove to be failures.
-Fatherless children, especially boys, do not perform well on school grades or in games and their future is doomed.
-A Child Needs a Father
-Myth: Children in "fatherless homes" have fared poorly over the past three decades.
-Myth -- Youth from "fatherless homes" are at higher risk for substance abuse.
-Myth -- Children are at greater risk of physical abuse in single mother households than in single father households.
-Myth -- Children of unwed teenage mothers do better when they have more involved fathers.
-Myth -- "1% increase in the rate of fatherlessness SAT scores declined 3 points..." (per The False Child Abuse Industry by John Knight for Fathering Magazine)
-Myth -- Juvenile delinquency is caused by "fatherlessness."
-Myth -- High Youth Crime Rates are a direct result of "fatherlessness."
-Myth -- Children fare worse in single parent homes.
-Myth -- Research on single mother households proves that "fatherlessness" harms children.
-Single moms are lonely and have a hard time finding a mate.
-It is very difficult to make ends meet for a family on this salary.
-Teenage mothers are lazy
-Young Mothers Are Unfit Delinquents
-"A child is better off raised by an unrelated married couple than by her own parents if her mother is single at the time she is born."
-"A child is better off raised by an older person than by her young mother."
-"A child is better off with wealth than with her own mother or father."
Propaganda -- Children growing up without a father in the home are more than twice as likely to end up in jail.

SINGLE FATHER:
Myth -- There has been a large increase in the percentages of children now living in single father households.
Myth -- "Equality under the law" means that men and women are the same in all ways.
Custodial fathers have high incomes.
There are not many custodial fathers.
Most custodial fathers have remarried.
Most custodial fathers are widowers, and all were married at some time.
Custodial fathers primarily receive custody of older boys.


DIVORCED MOM:
Myth -- Research on single and divorced mother households proves that divorce harms children.
Myth -- Divorce causes academic and behavioral problems in children.
You were better off married

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce
-Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Not true.
-Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Not true.
-Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Not true.
-Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Not true.
-Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
-When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. Not true.
-Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Not true.
-Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. Not true.
-Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. Not true.
-It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Not true.

DIVORCED FATHERS:
-Myth: Divorced men can not be good fathers.
-Myth: A divorced mom or dad should get remarried to provide a new mother or father for the children.
-Myth: Divorced Dads Are Deadbeat Dads
-Myth: Divorced Dads Are Runaway Dads
-Myth: Divorced Fathers Impoverish Their Former Wives and Children
-Myth: Divorced Fathers Have It Easy Emotionally After Divorce; Only Their Ex--Wives and Children are Distressed
-Myth: Divorce Settlements Tilt Unfairly in Favor of Divorced Fathers
-Myth: Fathers Initiate Most of the Family Breakups, Abandoning Their Families and Their Responsibilities
-Myth: Families used to stand on their own two feet and take care of their members without help from government
-Myth: Collapse of the traditional family is the main source of America's social and economic problems.

MARRIED MOM:
-Myth: Mothers in intact homes are better parents than single mothers.
-Myth: Families with a Non-Employed Mother are Wealthy.
-Myth: Families Cannot Afford to Live on One Income Today
-Myth: Mothers are Either Employed Full-Time or They are At-Home Mothers Earning No Income.
-Married moms receive way more paternal help with raising the kids, doing chores, getting enough sleep, and allowing mom to have regular ample time to herself.
-Myth: Having a baby brings you closer
-Myth: Spouses should be best friends as well as romantic partners
-Myth: Don't fight in front of the kids

STAY AT HOME MOMS:
-Myth: Studies have shown that nonmaternal care, e.g. daycare, has no ill effects.
-Myth: Most Young Children are in Alternative Child Care.
-Myth: Women with Careers and Families "Have It All," While Mothers at Home are Throwbacks to the 1950s.
-Myth: Children who are older do not benefit from stay-home mothers; mothers should be back to work full-time once children are in school.

STEPMOMS:
-Myth #4: Stepmothers are wicked.
-Myth -- Stepmothers are acceptable substitutes for children's real mothers.
-Myth -- Mother-absence is no different from father-absence; it's a single-parent family, and "gender" of the parent is irrelevant.
-Myth -- Who is "family" is based on biological ties.

STEPFATHERS:
-Myth -- Stepfathers are less engaged with their stepchildren than biological fathers are with their own offspring, and are more likely to injure or kill the children with whom they reside than are biological fathers.

STEPFAMILIES:
-Myth: Stepfamily blending happens quickly
-Myth: A stepfamily is the same as a first-marriage family.
-Myth: Love occurs instantly.
-Myth: Children whose parents divorce and remarry are damaged permanently.
-Myth: It helps children to withdraw from their nonresidential parent. When children aren't allowed contact with the nonresidential parent, they tend to have idealized fantasies about them.
-Myth: Remarriages following a death go more smoothly than those occurring after a divorce

www.singleparentingfordummy.com
fatherlessness
absence
www.familyandhome.org
findarticles.com
www.irp.wisc.edu
www.foreverfamilies.net

Monday, June 9, 2008

Cohabitation

More view cohabitation as acceptable choice

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY
June 9, 2008

An analysis of cohabitation, marriage and divorce data from 13 countries, including the USA, shows that living together has become so mainstream that growing numbers of Americans view it as an alternative to marriage.
The National Marriage Project study of a sampling of Western European and Scandinavian nations, Australia, Canada and New Zealand found that cohabitation elsewhere is far more common and indeed viewed as an option to matrimony. The study found that anywhere from 15% to 30% of all couples identified themselves as living together, compared with about 10% right now in the USA.


VOTE: Which best describes your views on cohabitation?
YOUR STORY: Have you ever 'cohabited?' Would you again?

"We're still the most marrying of all these countries, but the data are clearly headed in the one common direction. It's headed in the direction of cohabitation as an alternative," says David Popenoe, the report's author and co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, which studies marriage and child well-being.

Because the most recent data analyzed from some countries is two years old or more, and because increasing numbers of celebrities are living together, Popenoe says his projections take into account slight increases over time.

"Today, celebrities from Hollywood and elsewhere are looked up to," he says. "They have become role models. They are far more influential today than ever in the past."

A previous study by the same group showed that since 1970, the number of Americans living together has increased from about 500,000 opposite-sex couples to more than 5 million.

Using databases of Census-like information in the countries studied, the new analysis found that the marriage rate is down in all countries except Norway and Sweden, which have had traditionally low marriage rates. In the USA from 1995 to 2005, the marriage rate declined almost 20%.

The report will be posted online Wednesday.

Joselin Linder, 33, of Brooklyn is living with a boyfriend now and has lived with two others in the past. Now she's co-author of the new book The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin and says many women her age and younger view living with a romantic partner as a convenience. She says it's not about avoiding marriage.

"It's what's happening in the world of dating, and it's not necessarily a path anywhere," she says.

The new report cites Census data showing that about 40% of all opposite-sex, unmarried couples live with their own child under 18.

"We often think of cohabitation as a phenomenon of young adulthood before people start having kids, but … as marriage is being delayed to later and later ages, more children are born before marriage, and many of the couples are cohabiting before the birth," says R. Kelly Raley, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas-Austin, who did not participate in the study.

Raley isn't convinced that cohabitation is being viewed as a marriage alternative, citing a 2001 study of her own. The evidence, she found, didn't suggest people cohabit to start a family, which she says is what would be expected if cohabitation were considered a marriage alternative.

The National Marriage Project report also citesfindings from earlier studies showing that children of cohabiting couples are more likely to experience emotional problems, alcoholism and drug abuse. But Raley says the research leaves unanswered questions.

"Many cohabiting couples use cohabitation to weather economic uncertainty or uncertainty about a relationship," she says. "We can't tell if the negative outcome for the child is due to the cohabitation or to the economic uncertainty or maybe the relationship uncertainty. That's a limitation of the data."

READERS: Have you ever lived with someone you were romantically involved with but not married to? Did you end up getting married, breaking up or do you remain cohabiting? Do you think there's a stigma about cohabitation? If so, is it justified?

LIVING TOGETHER

Unmarried cohabitors as percent of all couples:

Country 1995 2000s

Canada 13.9% 18.4% (2006)

Denmark 24.7% 24.4% (2006)

France 13.6% 17.2% (2001)

Germany 8.2% 11.2% (2005)

Italy 3.1% 3.8% (2003)

Netherlands 13.1% 13.3% (2004)

Sweden 23% 28.4% (2005)

United Kingdom 10.1% 15.4% (2004)

USA 5.1% 7.6% (2005)



Source: The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University
USA TODAY